“If you’re gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.” ~Marilyn Monroe
Women are complicated creatures. I confess that I often leave the company of some women bewildered and drained. Now, before I dig any deeper and labeled a misogynist; I want to explain a few vital stats that brought me to write this post. First thing you need to understand is that I was raised in a man’s world…literally. Drug-up {as he jokingly refers to it} by my father, a single dad from the time I was 3. Second, and this is equally important, I have been screwed by more women than men! I won’t get into the sordid details but I have had my share of failed platonic female relationships. And when I say failed, I typically mean spectacular, drama soaked, events with catastrophic results. With that said, I don’t believe that all women are born fork-tongued vixens; just a few bad apples who give women a bad name and frankly, it pisses me off. Some will see me writing this post as an act of treason in the highest order; a betrayal against the society of women. However; I will not profess allegiance to an illusion; membership into the sisterhood is not a right. Respect is earned and just because we have matching body parts doesn’t mean I must support fakes and manipulators.
When you consider I try to avoid drama and gossip, don’t watch reality TV, and find discussing make-up, hair styles, clothing trends, and babies boring, it’s easy to see how I’m automatically disqualified from most sewing circles. I curse, drink, and smoke. My favorite topics are sex, men, politics, and social issues. Other than a complete lack of interests in sports and a penis, I am, by normal behavioral standards, a man. Most of my dearest, long-term friends are men. It wasn’t until recently I have began to meet more women like me and most of them only through the internet {ladies, you know who you are…mwah}! But I have to be honest, previous relationship baggage leaves me weary of female companions. Sexual relationships aren’t the only manufacturers of baggage. My trunk-full of ashes from past feminine camaraderie and current personal drama, leaves me guarded around women. They can be the world’s most vicious and vindictive creatures, while wearing a charming smile. It would be quite impressive, if it weren’t so destructive and menacing. I often appear sympathetic to men when I write, because I actually feel for them! I don’t pity men, as though they were unintelligent, weak-minded souls, but I appreciate how difficult it must be trying to understand the opposite sex when constantly tossed curve balls
Women who give women a bad name are members of an elite club. I have met all residents of this sorority, in fact some charter members embody more than one of these characteristics {those women are my super faves *dripping sarcasm*}. The only thing left for me to do is to introduce you to the women who give women a bad name.
Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong – When you’re right, you’re still wrong
She wins every argument, dismisses every point of view, and disregards all fact! There is no room for discussion and differing opinions are not welcome. Even if you attempt to slam-dunk with evidence, the blowback for your insolence will be swift and painful. If Little Miss does eventually change her mind in accordance with your original thought, no use in gloating, for she will claim it as her own a still profess her self-righteousness and your stupidity.
Drama Queen- Sh*t disturber extraordinaire
Life is peaceful and content, with nothing but clear skies on the horizon. With the Drama Queen, it is merely the calm before HER next storm. These women are not satisfied with satisfaction. Peace and harmony are boring and only chaos feels like home. If there is nothing to complain about, they’ll create something. Be assured that something created is much more dangerous than anything based in reality. If shacked up or cozy with a Drama Queen you must be very good at battening hatches and running for cover!
Queen Bee-Competitive
I once got an intestinal virus. Without going into gruesome detail, let’s just say I was not myself! It lasted for nearly 2 months and was pretty uncomfortable. Good times! An acquaintance of mine discovered I was ill from a mutual friend. When I began to communicate my diagnosis, I was immediately interrupted with a monologue about the time she had the stomach flu. Her recounting included time of day and the fact that she had to have her carpool pull over in front of a neighborhood park where she had to ‘go’ in the bushes! Ummmm, that sucks. A little TMI, but hey, you win…so it’s all good! Whether it’s the best or the worst she’s it. All of life is a competition. My house is the best, my children are the greatest, my cold was the worst, you only do yoga…well, I run marathons, etc. She’s the gold medal winner and you know what, she can have it! If you keep company with a Queen Bee, you should be very comfortable with second place.
Attention Whore – Center of the Universe
The entire world is her stage. All men die for her, all conversation focuses on her; she is the beginning and end. If for some absurd reason there’s a brief moment she is not the focus, she will happily redirect the spotlight. It’s tough to be in the limelight, and she is more than willing to take the heat. When playing with an Attention Whore, be prepared to play a supporting role!
Martyr
Laying it all down, a modern day dragon-slayer that unabashedly risks it all for the greater good! Even when not asked, they offer help and support only to vent their own self sacrifice; “Oh, how I’ve suffered.” She’s overextended, overworked, underappreciated, and constantly challenged; however, it’s mostly at her own hand. “Do you realize my pain?” “Do you have any idea what I do?” “Do you know how hard I try?” No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me! The Martyr comes equipped with her own cross and her own prayer so there is no need to provide. If you tend to a martyr, you only need to be comfortable…on your knees!
Mean Girl – Passive Aggressive
I have saved the best for last! The Mean Girl appears innocent, drips pleasantries, and is the supreme overlord. Unless, your super-power is seeing through bullshit, this girl will OWN you. Without the proper counter-measures, she will seize complete control without you realizing it. A soft tone, a subtle comment, a gentle quip with a fake smile is all this darling needs to wrap the world around her finger. Exceptional Mean Girls gather a following of minions, who only see what they want to see; her influence can be intoxicating. “I’m fine” she says, “”If only”, she says. “Wouldn’t it be nice_.” she says. And the coup de grace, “Whatever you want.” She never says what she means, she speaks in an archaic foreign tongue that all around her must interpret OR else! These women are the most dangerous and spoil it for those of us who actually mean it when we say, “Whatever you want.” Armed with a forked tongue and a submissive demeanor, they wreak havoc; placing the blame on others when countered with resistance. “Why are you yelling at me?” “No need to get upset.” Don’t let the soothing tone, sweet face, or flaccid gaze fool you. When in a Mean Girls domicile, the only bitch, is you!
Marrie
A Geekalicious NorCal Betty masquerading opinions about dating,sex, & relationships as fact through dirty talk & wicked rants!
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