I went to the grocery store this morning and observed true desperation, as a long line of men waited to buy lame cards and plastic wrapped roses for their sweethearts. The average consumer (and consumer means primarily MEN) is expected to spend over $130 this year on “goods” this Valentine’s Day, this doesn’t even include the dinner, wine, and whatever planned event you have scheduled this evening…all to show you care. Really? Is all of this truly necessary? Is it a requirement to buy a cheesy stuffed bear and a bunch of flowers to show you care? How did this happen? And how did all of this expectation get placed on the lap of men? Don’t women care? Let’s touch on women for a second. When women do participate in the heart day frenzy, they get to buy something for themselves, under the guise it’s for him, to show she cares! A sexy dress, lingerie, perfume, nails did, hair did, etc. It’s hilarious actually.
So, what is the price of Valentine’s Day?
Sending a Text Message
The phone company rates have a 6000% markup on text messages. If they applied that same rate to your calls, you would pay over $100 for the average 1 minute call. Now the pressure is really on, better make it a good one with lots of: XiO, <3, AML, SWALK, :-*,
Give a Greeting Card
Compared to the phone company, the 200% markup on cards is a bargain! But as luck would have it, unless you’re willing to go old skool (and by old skool, I mean grade school) and make a card, Hallmark has you by the balls.
Bouquet of Flowers
There is a 3-5 time mark up on all fresh flowers and this is only the basic cost of fresh cut. The rate is even higher if you spring for a full arrangement in a vase, where there is a markup is 30%-50% on top of the 3-5 times for the fresh flowers. Hopefully, she really digs it because otherwise it could be a little depressing watching your $75 investment wilt and die over the next couple days.
Box of Chocolate
Everybody loves chocolate and what could be sweeter than giving your sweetheart a heart shaped box of her favorite confection. Now, on this special day a simple candy bar will not cut it, nothing less than gourmet will do. So, when you’re standing in the obscenely long line at Godiva this afternoon, wondering how the hell 7 pieces of chocolate can cost $25, remember this article and that gourmet chocolate can have a markup of up to 1300%. (Freakin’ Mayan’s)
Bottle of Wine at a Restaurant
What is a romantic dinner without wine? I’ll tell you this much, you may as well treat your sweetheart to a burger at In n Out, if there is no wine on your softly lit table. However; sip that Pinot slowly and enjoy every drop, as it comes with a 300% markup.
You really like her and are ready to show your “hand” by plunking down your hard earned green to show her you mean business. Expect to pay 100-200% markup on that gem incrusted precious metal trinket. Also, since the day after Valentine’s Day is when all the girls go to lunch and compare, don’t let your little miss be out shined…expect to pay no less $3000-5000, as this is the average cost for a ring.
Look, I’m not cynical and would be lying if I didn’t say that I love getting stuff just as much as the next girl. But I truly feel bad for you guys out there and just hope that you get a decent ROI (return on investment). I am also really happy for you if you have yourself a rockin’ girl who is not only worth the extra special treatment but who truly appreciates it. But this time of year the expectations are high and the potential let-down “blow back” can be brutal. This is the most expensive fuck of the year and if getting fucked (or “made love to”) is your goal for the evening, be prepared to kick down as the bar is set pretty high. This is one night that the dude who hires a hooker has the best deal in town, and he gets his bed to himself!
Happy Valentine’s Day!