Exhaustive discussions have been hosted about the pitfalls of having sex too soon in a relationship. Most “experts” agree that waiting for sex forms a more stable foundation for a couple to build a future on. Although there are exceptions to every rule, you’d be hard pressed to rally support from a relationship professional for the first date lay; but what about the Granddaddy of restraint, those who say no sex before marriage? If waiting 30-90 days is good; waiting till marriage must be better…right?
I wasn’t raised in the Bible belt nor was I fed from an early age that my knees must remain locked until I say “I do.” Being raised by a liberal parent “the talk” came early with sexuality communicated as a natural part of human existence. Although my virginity was not held to be a virtuous booby prize for my future husband, I was taught that it was exclusively mine to share and hold strictly on my own terms. My body was indeed a temple and I was the master of my lady parts domain. I don’t judge others who have a different morality than my own; people must choose their own course when it comes to intercourse. However, I do believe that no sex before marriage is a really, really bad idea! Even for those not raised with the fear of god or eternal damnation for satisfying carnal needs before matrimony, often women in particular, are educated that sex and love are fundamentally intertwined; a sensual experience only true love can sufficiently satisfy. With such glorious expectations attached to sex, it’s no wonder that for many women the line between sex and love become so blurred. These women with only Nicholas Sparks movies and episodes of Girls to base the human sexual experience on, it must be a real eye opener when their wedding gown finally drops to floor. Truth is, sex is a huge part of marriage and waiting until you’ve bought the farm to see if the electricity works is a risky strategy for a life of wedded bliss.
5 Reasons Why Waiting for Sex is a Really, Really Bad Idea.
1} Resentment and Wild Oats
You may have married the cream of the crop, the best of the best but inevitably the mind will begin to wonder what sex would be like with someone else. Everyone tastes, feels, moves, and caresses differently. In the beginning but lugging around a bag of wild oats may begin to wear you down. If regret isn’t your thing, curiosity may stimulate the fantasy of exploring other pastures. In truth, initial research on the topic actually shows that the more enjoyable your first time is the greater your sexual satisfaction will be in life. It’s difficult to find reliable statistics to tell whether people who marry as virgins are less or more likely to cheat. Could be that those who refrain from premarital sex are generally more conservative and their moral compass would steer them clear of infidelity. Or perhaps they would just never confess to cheating in front of researchers out of fear of being discovered as a hypocrite. Either way, religious dogma aside, you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to spend the rest of your life holding the bag of your wild oats. No matter how juicy sweet your spouse may be, sex with one person for the rest of your life can be difficult enough but having never sowed your oats, it may make ever after nearly unbearable.
We can all admit that sexual compatibility is crucial for a successful marriage. Case in point, if your freak meter is at a 10 and your partner only does missionary with a flannel nighty on with the lights off then issues are bound to come up. The problem with marrying before you have had the chance to explore each other between the sheets is that you can never really know how well you will play with each other.
3} Greater Evolution
Any sexually active person will tell you that the way they have sex today differently from when they first started. Like in other aspects of life; hopefully, you grow over time and acquire experience. Preferences and even sex drive change over the years; with even the most practiced couple’s feel growing pains. You may both be starting in the same place now, but without ever having tested the waters, you may find yourself swimming in the deep end sooner rather than later. If you enter the marriage as innocent saplings in the woods, there’s nearly limitless growth potential. Pleasure and preference will undoubtedly blossom in varied directions; if you’ve never tasted the fruit how can you know your taste? Everyone hopes to evolve together but with so much left unexplored, the chances are greater to grow apart. Sex will evolve over time for most marrieds, but when you start from the place of purity the odds of sprouting in different directions are high.
4} Failure to Communicate
Even those who are frequent flyers on the hobby horse of love find themselves tongue-tied when it comes to talking about sex. This isn’t about whispering sweet nothings or talking dirty, this is about openly communicating what feels good and what doesn’t, what you want to try and aren’t comfortable with doing again. Sex brings a level of intimacy that, although it’s purely in a physical form, the sights, sounds, and feel of sex with your partner can definitely help topple walls or trepidation. Just as communication eases physical intimacy, physical intimacy can help ease the flow of communication…especially if you were raised to believe that sex is holy rather than natural or good boys/girls don’t talk about sex.
5} Sexual Identity
Yes, sexual identity! If you’ve never been with a man or woman and just assume after years of social dogma that you must be straight; do you really want to check that theory on your wedding night? This may occur less often but those raised in conservative households are rarely reinforced to explore their sexuality…some even in the privacy of their own room. If the voices in your head or the tingles in your special place hint that you are attracted to the same sex, saving your virginity will not save your soul and may only serve to cast you into a personal hell full of resentment, frustration, and heartbreak.
Look I am not judging those who choose to save themselves for marriage, whether for moral or religious beliefs. Everyone is guided through life with a different compass and must chart the course that works for them; free from social doctrine and peer pressure. Just realize that your wedding ring isn’t a magic wand magically transforming sex from something dirty to something holy. Sex is natural. My words are only to highlight the reasons why sex before marriage is a good idea; similar to test driving a car before you own it…for the rest of your life! The latest research suggests that greater sexual satisfaction in life is more closely tied to how pleasant your first experience was than anything else. Whether you agree with that finding or not I will let you in on a secret, losing your virginity is not magical; frankly it’s awkward. So, if you’re still planning on waiting to get hitched before you do the hippity dippity then my advice would be to discover as much about your sexuality while flying solo and plan on talking about sex with your future spouse…a LOT!
Do you think abstinence helps develop a deeper bond? Can conversations alone predict sexual compatibility?
Want more Dirty In Public? Check out my Podcast! Where Single Dating Diva and I push the envelope of naughty and nice!