“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” ~Woody Allen
Sexually confident, open minded girl meets man of her dreams. They play together {and yes, by play I mean they play sexually} fall in love, get married. It is at that point a transformation occurs. The once sexual free spirit turns into a prude; a conservative domestic goddess that sees her previous sexual forays as a closed chapter of her singledom. So, now what? The deal has been changed and the man of her dreams is left wondering what the hell happened. Like the Wonder Twins from the Justice League, the ring becomes an agent of transformation. As the bride said “I do” what she really meant was, “Form of…a prude.” My thought is that her true fantasy is realized the moment the officiate announces her new surname. In an instant the bright eyed, wild seductress became the good wife. Once a woman is transformed into a wife there becomes no need for sexual frivolity. Her definition of marriage and commitment has been clearly communicated to her by society since birth. For some reason society had dictated that to be a good, loving wife you must obey certain arbitrary rules, rules that are similarly applied to mothers. For some, marriage has become a form of sexual sobriety for those once intoxicated by desire. A man stands at the end of the aisle thinking nothing changes, while a woman walks down the aisle thinking everything changes.
I have observed the power of the ring on more than one occasion. After a year or two of marriage, my friends who still held out hope to a return of the glory days, were left with mouths agape, wondering what happened to their once zealous sex life. I have heard it happening to men but most often the self-imposed sexual sobriety occurs in women. The bridegroom assumed that the sexual dynamo he had married would always be open but what happens when she is closed for business? What happens when your naked poker nights with friends become Pictionary tournaments? A fellow blogger wrote a wonderful post asking “If you don’t want the bondage, are you still bound?” Interesting food for thought, don’t you think? The bottom line is you’re the bottom line. How important sex is in your relationship is entirely up to you. The type of sex and how much sex, can turn your otherwise mundane existence into a pleasurable way of life. Unfortunately no book you read, marriage coach you visit or buddy you drink with will be able to answer your question for you. They may offer good advice on how to communicate your frustration respectfully but the real solution to your marital strife will have to come from the two of you. Patience, honesty, communication, respect, and compassion are my best advice.
Rarely are there articles written about the sobering reality of how marriage can dramatically change an individual’s manner overnight. Most articles discuss how people’s inevitable change over time impacts committed relationships. But not all change is gradual and for some the sudden 180 may be met with neglect in hopes that it will self correct; the change is a momentary malfunction.
So, back to that fabulous blogger I mentioned earlier. Rachael asked some key questions and you know I have some responses:
Is it simple: do we just fall out of love? Does love equal sex?
I do believe that people fall out of love but also do not think that love ALWAYS equals sex. Always, being the key word. I believe that a person can have sex without love, where it gets tricky is love {in the romantic sense} without sex…that’s just a close friendship. I think that the circumstance in which sex is no longer available makes a remarkable difference. I think that most people in a loving, committed relationship would be much more patient and tolerant if sex wasn’t occurring due to health issues rather than complacency. I also believe that for some {with me being counted as one of the some} if sex wasn’t an integral part of my committed relationship, intimacy would diminish leading to the effectual breakdown in the relationship.
Does a life together equal sex? Does no sex equal a life together?
This is a question that only an individual can answer for them self. Personally, I would find it difficult to be in a long term committed relationship if sex were not a regular, active part of our life together. And by sex, I mean sexual compatibility, not just the physical act. If there is no mutual understanding or meeting of the minds, on how to gratify each others’ needs, than I do believe resentment, dissatisfaction or even infidelity is inevitable.
If you don’t want the bondage, are you still bound?
Yes, but not bound to stay together forever in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship. I believe that you are bound to treat the other person respectfully. You are bound to be honest with the other person. If you are in a committed relationship, you are bound to communicate and at least attempt to problem solve…together. You are bound to give it a shot and at least give them an invitation to the party…let them decide whether to attend or not. You are bound to try to work it out!
Marrie
A Geekalicious NorCal Betty masquerading opinions about dating,sex, & relationships as fact through dirty talk & wicked rants!
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