The self help industry is huge. Buy this book, go to that seminar…even the movies show that finding yourself takes an obscene amount of money. One of the most spectacular examples is the movie and novel; Eat Pray Love. Now, I admit that I really enjoyed both the novel and movie. I found it a fascinating experience but unfortunately for most of us in the real world, a completely unattainable mission. It’s like the only way you can find yourself is with the aid of a trust fund or book advance. Like self actualization is reserved for the affluent. After a life changing event like a breakup or divorce, loss of a job, or worse, loss of a loved one, the desire to escape your everyday reality in order to reevaluate is formidable. After my divorce I wanted nothing more than grab my daughter, hop on a plane, and get the hell out of Dodge. I wanted to literally leave it all behind. I wanted to check out of my crumbling world and invent a new one. Go where no one knew my name! I felt I couldn’t possibly redefine myself or find happiness in my current world. That the only way I could find happiness was to abandon the shambles of my current position. However, responsibilities of a child, job, and bills made that impossible. I had no fat savings account in order to float a yearlong exploration of self discovery around the world. I had to somehow get my shit together, while living everyday in my own shit. Sucks!
In the beginning I could only take life in bite sized portions; refusing to focus beyond the day to day. Before I knew it I had settled into new routines. I had all the fundamentals for a new life; the house sold, a new apartment, the divorce in process, and increased hours at work. I had cleared the first leg my journey; I patched the boat and was no longer sinking. Because I kept so busy with the logistics of breaking up and becoming a single working mom, I hadn’t noticed that even though I was no longer sinking, I wasn’t thriving either. It wasn’t until the noise and chaos of the divorce settled and there were no more boxes to unpack, did I realize this. I was now a clean slate. I was no longer the person I used to be, nor was I a whole new person. I was in identity limbo. So, I decided to pick me up by my flip flops and take stock of my assets.
I had a healthy, bright daughter.
Check.
I had a fabulous career with amazing colleagues that praised me on my good days and carried me on my bad days.
Check.
I had a supportive family that checked on me and encouraged me. My sister’s {actually my ex-sister-in-laws} made sure I never spent a holiday or my birthday alone.
Check.
I had my health.
Check.
I had incredibly supportive friends.
Check.
Drink. After my personal inventory, I began to realize that life ain’t so bad; that I may actually survive this thing. I concluded that I was by no means broken…just a little bent. My first comfort was in drink. Now, I don’t mean I laid alone my apartment in my jammies all day drinking cheap one {although I had been guilty of that once or twice}. By drink, I mean that I enjoyed wine again. I tried new wines, shared good wine with friends, and just allowing myself to experience joy. I had a tight budget but allowed myself the little gift of fermented grape juice with each shopping run. It was a little pleasure and one that didn’t require spending $50 a pop for. I made a goal out of finding delicious wine for the best price; some were well under $10. I even started a wine journal to catalogue my finds. I have to admit that even as I write this, it sounds a little depressing. But for me it was a hobby. I had found a simple pleasure and began to savor a bit of life again. I looked forward to my glass or two every night. Through this tiny act of self indulgence, I discovered that I am actually very easy to please. I don’t need to drown in excess in order to feel contentment. In this part of my journey I began to embellish my newly patched boat with a little silver lining.
Meditate. I have always been a spiritual person but have never felt I belonged in an organized religion. I hate hypocrisy and I found it hard to find a place where you can have faith without practicing exclusion or passing judgments. My father had meditated since I was a child. I used to catch glimpses of him sitting on the floor of his bedroom with his eyes half open, saying the occasional chant. Even as he grew older and fell ill, he practiced mediation in order to accept and cope with his chronic pain. But it wasn’t until I realized how uncomfortable I was in the stillness and quiet, did I begin to practice mediation. There is nothing louder than being alone in a quiet room with your own mind. At first I had no idea what I was doing and felt like a dork sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor.”How hot am I, right now?” I also had no idea how hard meditation was. I thought meditation was relaxing…wrong. My mind was out of control and had no idea. My mind was waging a war against itself and sending nearly constant messages of defeat and criticism. The self-talk that continually played in my head was more hurtful and destructive than anything in the ‘real world’ could be. If I continued on this path, my self-talk would become a self fulfilling prophecy. I was literally kicking my own ass. What a bitch! But wait, this is where meditation gets tricky. You are only to acknowledge the thoughts, not judge them. How can I do that when all I wanted to do was kick my own ass, for kicking my own ass? {I do realize that this sounds like the rambling of a crazy person, but I swear I’m not certifiable}. I devised a plan, to shift the course of my life by changing the messages I fed myself. I read positive, thought provoking books, I eliminated as much negative input from media as I could, I began to talk to myself as I would my daughter. I would never tolerate anyone calling my daughter “stupid”, why then is it ok for me to call myself that? Before you knew it, the self talk began to have a different tone. It wasn’t overnight but it was noticeable. I was no longer my own worst enemy. I discovered that I was no longer uncomfortable in silence or with being alone. In this part of my journey, I discovered solace in the solitude of my silver lined boat.
Date. I was not looking for love. I did however, want to look for companionship. Now that I was no longer looking for someone to fill a missing piece, I felt confident in my motives to date. Because I worked in education, I was surrounded mostly by women and married couples, so the last place I could find a date was work. Unfortunately, with work being where I spent most of my time and with primary physical custody of my daughter, meeting perspective dates in my daily life was a serious challenge. At the encouragement of a girlfriend, I joined a popular online dating site. Within no time, I was scheduling dates. At first I felt like a fish out of water. After all, I had not been single since I was in my early 20’s, now that I was in my early 30’s it took a little time to get a dating groove. Through the experience I met some amazing men {and some not-so-amazing men}. I enjoyed having adult conversation and meeting new people. I had fun dressing up and feeling pretty again. I did make the decision early on to keep the dating casual. I was honest with everyone I went out with that I was not looking for a relationship and that my first priority in life was my daughter. I was looking for friendship, companionship, and if appropriate a little nookie…period. I also made the decision to not introduce my daughter to anyone. Even though she was very young, my personal preference was to keep my parenting life separate from my dating life. To be honest, getting back into the dating scene boosted my ego and permitted me to have a life. I was able to expand the definition of who and what I was beyond a working single mother. I revealed a remarkable thing about myself while dating, that I am a viable woman who was capable of loving again. I learned that I my love story was not over. Through dating I discovered that there is room in my silver lined boat with another.
Traveling the world would be a fantastic opportunity for anyone but it is not required in order to rediscover who you are. In some ways, it may be even harder, because you spend all that time and money to travel halfway across the globe only to realize that you don’t feel any better. It may be at that point you realize that no matter where you go or what you do…there will always be one constant…YOU! You can find yourself without a trust fund or millions in the bank. All you need is confidence in yourself and that you are equipped with everything you need to find yourself again.
Marrie
A Geekalicious NorCal Betty masquerading opinions about dating,sex, & relationships as fact through dirty talk & wicked rants!
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