What is a slut? Defined by a Good Slut

You say I’m a Slut like its a BAD thing

What is a slut?  A harlot, tramp, whore, whench, hoochie, chippy, Jezebal, minx, bimbo

The list of synonyms for the word slut is long and sordid. People use the word slut most often to invoke feelings of filth, disgust, and shame. Others use the word slut in jest or affirmation. Before I go any further, I want to openly admit that I AM A SLUT. How do I know? Because Merriam Webster’s told me so.  Since, I am a woman who enjoys sex, holds a casual attitude about sex and has enjoyed sex outside of a relationship; I am by definition a slut. I do not feel shame with the label of slut nor is it a source of overwhelming pride. It’s just a fact based on the definition of the term and, for me, it’s no different than saying I’m a woman or liberal. Even though, I do not have a bumper sticker proclaiming my title of slut, I refuse to submit to the dominant sentiment that being a slut is a depravity. After all, what is a slut? Marcotte said it best during a recent discussion on twitter: “A slut is anyone who has had 2 more sexual partners than the person crying slut.” However true the statement, if that was all there was to this slutty story, the article would end here. No one can deny that the word slut has the destructive power to topple careers and respect in a community. Where does this little four letter word accumulate its devastating strength from?

Slut accumulates its shaming power, from society’s prevailing perception that promiscuity and people who enjoy sex are bad; particularly women. Women identified as promiscuous or sexually open {sluts} automatically become the dredges of society and completely lacking integrity. Society’s assumption that sexual promiscuity correlates with a lack of moral character infuriates me.  While raising my middle finger to the self-appointed regulators of social morality I proclaim that slut’s can be good and loyal partners, wives, and husbands. The number of sexual encounters I have had does not limit my capacity for love or commitment.  The sanctimonious attitude of the ‘virtuous’ also perceive sexual liberation as a handicap that thwarts my ability to be a good parent. The general assumption being, if I have more sex and enjoy sex more than they do, I must be emotional damaged or lack self esteem and therefore are ill-equipped to raise healthy children. Absurd!  A few months ago, there was a last minute schedule change and my ex-husband was unable to pick up my daughter at school. I was already dressed for an early dinner that was over an hour’s drive away {even I feel the need to explain my audacity to dress sexy in the middle of the day}.  I arrive at my daughter’s school wearing a black fitted dress, strappy heels, with full make-up and styled hair. The looks from the other mom’s was of shock and disgust. These parents could hardly contain their horror at a mom dressed sexy. I personally thought it was hilarious; however, my daughter noticed the stares. I became concerned at how she would perceive the stares. Had I embarrassed her?  As we were walking to the car, she said, “Mom, you look beautiful and I guess everyone else thought you did, too. “  Here is where I began to totally understand the power that slut-shame holds, not over me but over those that I love and associated with. If I own my inner {and outer} slut than, based on the unyielding opinions of others, my children, husband, and father are also judged; “poor little kid doesn’t stand a chance”, “what type of man would marry her”, “what type of father must he have been”. All of which is complete rubbish and if these cowardly lions had the courage to confront me face-to-face, I would gladly tell them so. But that’s not how the shame-game works. Slut shaming holds its power by being done under a breath or behind a back….rarely is it in the light of day but always under the cover of darkness.

High School is when the word slut has its greatest power. Teen girls’ are defenseless to protect their reputations against its force. In the early years girls learn quickly the power of slut shaming. Girl’s become Jedi masters; learning how to use the force {or the word slut} to manipulate the minds and actions of their peers. These girls learn that slut is not limited by a lexicon, that its power can be exploited to just about every aspect of adolescence.  In fact, sex isn’t even a required element in teen slut shaming.  Nothing would give me greater joy then to say that slut shaming ends with puberty; however, slut’s influence over woman continues into adulthood. Whether it’s a PTA mom’s not-so-subtle whisper when I walked on campus in my dress or women gossiping around the water cooler about the pretty girl’s recent promotion; slut’s power was not bestowed by Merriam Webster but in the collective attitudes of women. Mean Girls grow up but don’t always mature.  Mean Girls become Mean Women that continue to assert their dominance over other women by launching shaming insults. Women control slut’s kryptonite, not men. If women would only stop hen-pecking long enough they would realize that only they can rein-in slut’s power. Slut is the evil embodiment of promiscuity; shame is the emotion that moralistic individuals have woven into its meaning. Women use its power on other woman either out of fear or self loathing. Men have become a more recent edition to the slut shaming discussion. Debaters have argued that when slut is used to ‘call out’ a promiscuous man, it is just as shaming. I completely disagree. Slut shaming is not equal opportunity. For men it is in humor, jest, a quip and occasionally a badge of honor. It’s like calling a female dog a bitch; it’s not an insult but a fact with no real emotional baggage attached. Now, I know that women have begun to use the term as a slam against promiscuous men but I think this is women’s weak attempt at leveling the playing field. When will women learn that taking up arms to fight sexism and shaming by being sexist and shaming to others doesn’t work? It’s desperate and ineffective. Whether a man can be a slut or not is a moot point. In today’s world, if a man has rightfully earned the title of slut, society’s perceptions of male promiscuity has a long way to go before the word slut has the same shaming power for men as it does for women. Women need to learn that the problem isn’t with the word slut’s definition {the letter of the law} ; the problem is with the power and shame the word holds {the spirit of the law}. The prevailing sentiment regarding women and sexual promiscuity is where slut amasses its shaming power. Sex is something to hide. Sex is for procreation only. People who enjoy sex are bad people. Sex outside of commitment is disgraceful. Sexual desire is a masculine trait. Transferring the shame associated with slut from one gender to the other doesn’t diminish its power; it fuels the power by providing a whole new pool of people to judge.

This is when some feminists like to step in and cry foul. They take a page from their feminist journals and summate how slut shaming is all ‘HIS’ fault. My response:  Slut-shaming may have risen on the wings of machismo and fermented in our society’s patriarchal construct {Yes. I know big words, too} but in today’s world it is women who carry the BIG slut shaming guns.  It isn’t that men don’t attempt to slut shame, they absolutely do. But most women are very experienced in dealing with male insults. Women are well equipped to disarm or dismiss the power slut shaming has when hurled by a man. When a man attempts to insult women by calling them a slut it’s a nuisance; like flicking a fly. Why? Because women know this: Men wield the slut shaming sword NOT at women who have sex but at women who have sex with anyone other than him! Women find this transparent and laughable rendering the term virtually powerless. Slut shaming in any form, from anyone is unacceptable but honestly, from men it’s nearly impotent.

Good Slut, Bad Slut

A woman who doesn’t enjoy sex as much as another may be called a prude. It’s not that she is a virgin or that she doesn’t have sex.  Perhaps, she even enjoys sex but maybe not the same type of sex as her partner. Examples could be oral sex, BDSM, group sex, whatever. Just as with slut, there’s no definitive line for what makes a prude.  However, with the prevailing attitudes regarding women and purity, prude doesn’t carry a cross of shame. It is perfectly acceptable and sometimes preferred, that women not enjoy sex or not have too much sex.  But when you look at the definition of prude, can’t a slut also be a prude. Prude is described as an honorable woman; a woman concerned with decorum. Can’t a woman enjoy sex and be honorable? Since when is honor associated with sex drive or a general attitude about sex? The male sex drive is a coveted masculine trait…does that mean men are not honorable? Peoples continued correlation between sex drive and decency baffle me. I believe that with everything else in life, there is a good and bad….Good Sluts and Bad Sluts. Only when people stop looking at slut as a universal vice but rather a multi-dimensional trait, the shaming power of the word slut would dissipate. There will always be people who will not be attracted to sluts and there’s nothing wrong with that.  Just as there are people not attracted to redheads but no one assumes that redheads are bad because of it… just a personal preference. If people would get off their judgmental, puritanical, Ivory-Snow soapboxes they would see that enjoying sex isn’t a bad thing! Good Sluts have healthy attitudes about sex. A Good Slut thinks of sex as a pleasurable physical act that doesn’t require matrimony or commitment to enjoy. Good Sluts don’t use sex as a means to an end.  Good Slut’s are honest with their partners and have no ulterior motives. You may ask, “Can a sex worker be a Good Slut?” Hell yes, they can. You know the deal with a sex worker don’t you?  They don’t get upset if you don’t call them the next day only when you don’t pay.

You can’t discuss Good Sluts without referencing the Bad Sluts. A Bad Slut isn’t a person who likes sex more than a Good Slut or performs sex acts that a Good Slut won’t; it’s not a sex-off. Being a Bad Slut is not about what kind of sex or the amount of sex someone has; it’s all about the why. It’s a question of motivation, intent, and honesty. A Bad Slut uses sex as a weapon or tool. Bad Sluts will lie to get in your pants {men are notorious for this transgression and most often earn the title Bad Slut from women for committing}. Bad Sluts willfully disregard the feelings of others and treat others disrespectfully.  These are the assholes that ruin it for the rest of us! Bad Sluts are the liars, cheaters, and users.  Bad Sluts use sexual smoke and mirrors on unaware partners for personal gain. Bad Sluts aren’t bad because they have sex; they are bad because they use sex to manipulate others or manipulate others to have sex.  To put it bluntly, Bad Sluts are unscrupulous people.

Are sluts trained or born?

When I was talking to a friend of mine about this topic, he brought up a fabulous question…Did I, a self proclaimed slut, think I was trained or born? I had honestly never considered the nature versus nurture argument when thinking about my attitudes about sex. True, I was raised in a liberal household. Anatomically, I am designed to enjoy sex. Most of my sexual encounters were positive and the ones that weren’t positive left no permanent scars. There was a lot of hype in the media last year about the discovery of the slut gene but after reading more about it I realized it was just that…hype.  I have no definitive opinion on whether sluts are trained or born. I guess it’s like most traits it’s ambiguous, with a complex web of factors making it nearly impossible to discern. As a Good Slut, I personally look forward to the day when men and women who enjoy having consensual sex with like minded adults are looked upon with no judgment and free of shame or guilt from narrow-minded critics. Until then, I guess I’ll have to be content with knowing that I’m a Good Slut that doesn’t rely on others to dictate my self-worth. I am a Good Slut that is also a good mother and loving, committed partner. At the end of the day, people need to grasp, for good or for bad that sluts are people, too.

Marrie

A Geekalicious NorCal Betty masquerading opinions about dating,sex, & relationships as fact through dirty talk & wicked rants!

More Posts – Website

Follow Me: