The latest articles in Psychology Today or ELLE would have you believe that women who speak openly about sex are a new phenomenon. These articles would have us believe that women until recently have been passing the time in neat knitting circles limiting their conversations to celebrity gossip and chicken recipes.
NEWSFLASH: Women did not passively wait for permission from the cast of Sex and the City to divulge the most intimate details of their sex lives to their girlfriends while sipping martini’s.
Sex in the City reflected the culture of women; not originate it. Women have always talked about sex. Not only have women always talked about sex, we started the conversation early; long before any of us were actually having any! I clearly remember when, after parents had gone to bed and the latest Teen Beat shared, we would huddle our sleeping bags together in a circle and have exhaustive discussions about boys. Like most women, slumber-parties were where I started sharing the details of my love life and I haven’t shut up since. During these late-night summits I ceased to be an awkward adolescent and transformed into a self-assured dame as described in Jackie Collins’ novels; only wearing Wonder Woman Underoos and braces. Swapping experiences and feelings with friends granted me permission to feel ‘normal’, that no amount a parental guidance could offer. I found chatting with fellow floundering teens to be comforting, empowering, and liberating.
Fast forward to adulthood, years after I had first ‘done the deed’ and I’m still just as fascinated by sex. I love reading about sex, watching sex, and talking about sex; and from what I see I’m not alone. Be it wine bars, parks, blogs, or chat forums; women everywhere are spilling the dirty details of their sex lives. I thought nothing but good could come from such freedom and open communication.
Until recently…
Last week I found myself in a self-induced nosedive. The worst kind of slump, the kind you can’t blame on anyone else. Somehow I had created a mental shackle, binding myself with self doubt as I compared my sexual attitude and aptitude.
Threads on lifestyle forums like OurHotWives, lively Craigslist personals, and even op-ed’s in the Huffington Post, had me believing that life is one magnificent orgy and that everyone, including their mothers {literally}, are partaking in hot, sweaty sexual free-for-alls. But wait, is everyone really having all this audacious sex? Where was I in all of this? I am very open minded and have enjoyed the benefits of being so, but with such a plethora of sexual resources to extract information and ideas from I began to doubt the one thing I had been sure of…my ability to sexually satisfy my partner. From how to enhance my orgasms with pillow props, how to give the best blowjobs, and the best ways to approach a threesome; there is hardly a subtopic of sex I haven’t read or tried. However, my open mind began to betray me. I began to question myself, “Wow, if she can do that, why can’t I?” I questioned the limitations I placed on myself and wondered why they were there. Are my sexual boundaries due to society or personal preference? As I explored deeper, I began to ask questions like, “If I could have casual sex as a single woman and feel good about it, why can’t I have casual sex while in a relationship?” “Swinging and open marriages seem to work for some…could it work for me? Us?” “Is an open marriage/relationship the key to relationship longevity and happiness?” Because I’ll tell you something, those who speak about having an open marriage seem pretty goddamn happy; with pictures to prove it! Hey, I enjoy sex just as much as they do! I don’t want to miss out on all that fabulous fun!
This is when I began to crash and burn; where my fantasies challenged reality. I began to think of the Why’s. Why would I swing? Why do I want an open relationship? Why do I feel the need to ‘compete’ ? My heart began to ache when considering some of the significant ramifications participating in an open lifestyle could potentially have on my relationship with my husband…our family. I was comparing myself, not to other people, but the real me against the fantasy me…the me I knew I could be…the me I thought I was! I became disappointed in myself. I was weak, I was small, and that I couldn’t play with the big girls…that I wasn’t one of the big girls. I began to doubt that the person I am {at least the person I am today} could please my husband. How could he stay married to a woman like me? How could he ever be fully ‘satisfied’ by a woman like me? How will he handle me ‘changing the deal’? I even told him that life was too short to live in disappointment and regret (meaning you should run now while you have the chance)! I disappointed myself and it sucked…hard.
Then I read a beautiful article by Alyssa Siegel, an article that granted me permission to feel ‘normal’, again. Even though I never needed anyone’s permission, it helped me open my eyes to the way I was treating myself. It helped me realize that my compassion and acceptance was gifted to everyone except myself. My ‘live and let live’ attitude didn’t apply to me! I appreciated why some chose to live as ‘Ethical Sluts’ while others in monogamous monotony but never gave myself the same consideration. Armed with this revelation I decided to move forward by NOT moving forward. To spend time in the now and give myself the opportunity to discover my own sexual comfort level, free of comparisons and free from judgments. Time to clarify my motivations and desires. This, to me, is the ultimate form of sexual liberation!
Marrie
A Geekalicious NorCal Betty masquerading opinions about dating,sex, & relationships as fact through dirty talk & wicked rants!
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