Dear Dirty In Public, Now that I am divorced single man back in the dating scene things have sure changed since I last dated 20 years ago. I have been on several dates in the last couple of months; all of them just want sex and no commitments. Once I start to open up and try to have a deeper relationship, other than physical, I get kicked in the chest and dropped on my face. I guess this is payback for all the wrong doing I did towards woman in my past.
The single scene isn’t just different because of the ‘times,’ it’s also different because of the stage in your life you are in and that of the women you are dating are, in your respective lives. As a late teen or young adult, our priorities are extremely different when compared to those we have as we approach middle age. The responsibilities of having children and careers are now our utmost concern; who’s playing at the local club and beer money are the least of our worries. After divorce, most of us are like children in a candy store. New divorcees enter the single scene eager to have new experiences and meet a variety of people; however, it gets old…quick. The desire for hooking-up and no-strings-attached sex gives way to wanting something more meaningful and rewarding. So, here you are!
The way I see it, there could be several possible reasons why a deeper relationship may be eluding you:
You’re dating women who typically want a relationship but are concerned it may be too soon…for you!
Perhaps these women are being cautious in fear of being your ‘rebound’! It may be that these women are afraid to get too emotionally invested for fear of heartbreak. Women are very intuitive and those you are dating sense that it may be too early for you to be in a relationship. Maybe they are hesitant to open themselves up emotionally with someone who is still healing.
You’re dating the wrong type of women.
Dating a certain type is inevitable. We all have our preferences; political beliefs, type of humor, age, body shape, ambition level, etc. Maybe you are subconsciously drawn to the type of women who don’t find relationships a priority. It’s not that these women aren’t interested in a relationship with you; rather, they’re not interested in being in a relationship with anyone. Believe it or not, not all women want to settle down and the numbers of women who are subscribing to this lifestyle is growing; particularly in divorced woman. But choosing the wrong woman could also include those who are interested in you but not interested in being in a relationship with a man with children. To these ladies children are a distraction that deflects your attention away from them. Some women just can’t handle being #2 and the reality dictates that if you intend to be a father to your children your new partner will have to accept that your little ones are, and will always be, your first priority. Also, where there are children, there’s a baby momma you must co-parent with! For better or worse, the mother of your kids is an extended family member that takes another level of patience and understanding from your partner. With co-parenting, there will be communication between you and your ex… lots of it! Phone calls and emails are just the start! Expect that there may even be events that require you, your children, your ex, and possibly the new chicka to be gathered all in one spot! For some this constant interaction with the ex may be a little more blending than they can cope with. In the end these women’s honesty with themselves about their inability to be in a relationship with a man who continues to be a father saves you a great deal of time and energy. I don’t personally understand why these women don’t see your wanting to be a good father as major character strength in a man. I suppose we can just chalk it up to selfishness and immaturity.
You are the source of all evil.
This one I seriously doubt but I had to go there. You sell yourself as Mr. Sophistication but as you get comfortable with a lady the truth comes out: you kill kittens, fart the alphabet during dinner and use Ho as a term of endearment. Although few men in the real world posses the swag of Bond, and all of us have things we can improve in ourselves; I tend to dismiss the ‘it’s your fault’ theory.
In the end, no matter the reason, I encourage you to give yourself a break. I doubt your current predicament is payback for past transgressions but rather a mix of your current circumstances creating a complicated stew. My best advice would be to take it slow and, rather than looking to develop your current casual encounters into love affairs, focus on just being friends; people who enjoy each other’s company with and without clothes on. I think it’s wonderful that you got back in the saddle again, just take your time and enjoy the ride…your not in a race! Finally, I encourage you to take advantage of your single status by rediscovering who you are as a person outside of your previous and current roles of husband and father. I know it sounds cheesy but seize the opportunity to learn who Jim, the man, really is or can be. Take care my friend! I wish you all the best.