When I hear casual sex, promiscuity, and hooking up the image of a man typically enters my head. Not because I’m sexist but because most of the articles on the topic are in regards to male sexual behavior. American culture promotes the endearing bad boys whom women have to wrangle, trick, or snake-charm in order to settle down. To be honest, I’m not above swooning over the classic bad boy persona; there is something mythical about landing a player. I seriously doubt I’m the only woman who has felt the rush of having casual sex with a man I would have zero chance in hell to commit to the next date…let alone a relationship. But since he’s a man, it’s all good. His reputation for casual sex, barely affects his daily life. Men can be players and maintain a position of respect within their careers. Men can be promiscuous and still thought of as devoted fathers. However, the perception that many have of me, a woman, when I volunteer that I have had casual encounters is typically negative. I am automatically thought to be reckless and unclean. Since I have been a promiscuous woman, I must have contracted a disease from my careless and indiscriminate sexual encounters. Another popular notion is that I must suffer from an emotional disorder to seek out and fulfill sexual gratification without the prospect of a relationship.
Current perception is that men can’t help their promiscuous desires; acted upon or not, and that the women who subscribe to a similar philosophy are abnormal or anomalies. In reality the desire for a casual encounter is just as powerful in women as it is for men. Recently there was an article in Psychology Today that confirms what I have been thinking, feeling, and expressing all along; casual sex is not just for men and damaged women. Casual sex is an innate desire in the both genders. Both genders are equally drawn to the advantages that a no-strings-attached sexual encounter offers. However, there is one notable gender gap…standards!
My one night stands were with HOT men; men that I would have considered out of my league. Yeah, I would flirt with them but always assumed it would be fruitless merriment. I figured, “What the hell, at least I’ll have some fun.” Then BAM! To my amazement, they bit the line! These men were not Johnny Depp or a Greek Adonis, but as ordinary dudes go, they were definitely something to write home about {if you could write home about a one night stand}. When it came to hooking up, my partners prerequisite were higher; at least superficially, than those I deemed necessary in a man I was dating. Seems weird to see that admission in type but quite frankly my criteria for a man I had a one night stand with were all superficially higher; looks, swag, attitude, dress, etc. When dating, the qualities in the men I sought dealt more with depth of character and intellect. Of course, the physical attributes of men I dated were important, but only as far as my ability to be intimate with them {if you’re not physically attracted to someone you are dating, they are not a date but a friend}. The Psychology Today post highlighted that the higher standards in men that I had casual sexual encounter with were not unique. That women in general require a man be better than average in order to succumb to primal desire. It actually makes perfect sense; if a woman is going to risk social scorn for having sex with a stranger, than that stranger must be worth it!
A man’s approach to one night stands is another thing entirely; the male of the species actually lower their standards when perusing a casual encounter. Apparently, when men are presented with the opportunity for casual sex, there is little distinction between Angelina Jolie and the local bar fly. To men, casual sex is casual sex and the attributes of the woman is nearly irrelevant. When you consider that for men there is minimal social risk and stigma for promiscuous behavior, why not take advantage of every opportunity? These differing approaches to casual sex may explain why so few women have had one night stands. Science has shown that women are just as game to experience casual encounters as men but the innate desire to make the act “worth it” holds many back from carrying it out. It’s not that women don’t want to have casual sex as much as their male counterparts, they just hold out for higher standard. I know that as a single woman in the dating scene it’s hard to comprehend, but the fact is that women do the choosing. Men talk a good game and put on a grand dominate display but reality is that they must wait to be chosen. So, it is no surprise that men accept, with minimal standards and no reservations, whoever chooses them. Women, as the choosers, have the luxury of being discriminating…in short, ‘cuz we can!
Hello Marrie. I’m Nika B., a senior graphic design student of LCAD. I came across your website and article on Good Slut Vs. Bad Slut while doing research for my senior project-Riot Grrrl which is a series of zines that discuss feminist ideals such as body positivity, rape culture, and gender equality. I was wondering if I can have your permission to use your article for my zine. It will be used for educational purpose and will not be sold. Also, I appreciate your blog posts and speaking out about important issues. Thank you for being awesome and I hope to hear from you soon. Warmest, -Nika B.
Nika B. recently posted…-it’s finally here. it’s my beehicle. (Taken with…
Thank you Nika for the kind words! I would love to learn more about your Zine.
Marrie, You last point was the most salient. The reason why women, on my opinion, are criticized more than men for ONS, is that they hold all of the card and control the outcome. Every. Single. Time.
When it comes to battle of the sexes, that is one the woman always wins.
Chopperpapa recently posted…Men who don’t commit and the women who stay
ChopperPapa, I think that many women have a difficult time accepting that point as fact. I had to take a step-back and truly observe my actions, the actions of single woman around me and the actions of the men we interacted with to appreciate that women do have complete control over the who and when of sexual encounters. Clubs and bars are similar to a pick-up game of dodge ball; the women are the team captains and the men are lined up waiting to be picked.
[...] for me, was a lifestyle choice that was appropriate for my circumstances. My choice to engage in casual sexual encounters was never a reflection of low self-esteem or lack of confidence. I argue that it took [...]