Infidelity: Who’s to blame for the chaos?

01 Mar 2012

“Accountability breeds response-ability.” ~Stephen R. Covey

The Good Men Project described tragic events that played out in the final chapter of a love triangle that involved two cops and a domestic violence advocate as the main players. According to reports a husband gunned down his wife’s lover, a fellow officer, who was allegedly having an affair with his wife before turning the gun on himself. When the smoke cleared the husband was dead and his colleague hospitalized. I agree with the opinions expressed by the article’s author, Nicole Johnson and the sentiment expressed in her title, {“Having sex with another man’s wife? Prepare for chaos.”}; however, I found the blame-game that ensued in the comment section nauseating.

Billymig:

This woman is a total scumbag who is responsible for destroying her family!

Tabitha:

Crime of Passion… very sad… why are people looking at the guy in the hospital as a hero? he was messing with someone else’s wife, he deserves nothing less than to be known as a fraud, a fake, a phony. Forget covering up for this coward

Rapses:

The wife is not the victim by any stretch of imagination. She had her marriage, she had her fun and now she got rid of her husband and lover (assuming his tool has become dysfunctional from gunshot). She would inherit the asset of her late husband and start a new life. She is in win-win situation. The losers here are the guys and I do not understand how anybody can have sympathy for that woman.

I admit that the wife who cheated is not a very sympatric character; however, there is a HUGE difference between sympathy and blame. If the allegations are true and she was having an affair I further concede that her infidelity was the impetus for the shooting but I refuse to hold her culpable for the violence that erupted. I felt ill as reader’s condoned and even sanctioned extreme violence by blaming the wife; all in the name of honor. Americans claim to be so righteous, the moral compass that other countries should admire and strive to become. Americans shudder and condemn nations that utilize corporal punishment to enforce their laws of morality and honor, and yet many Americans rally to the defense of a man who raised arms in defense of a similar cause. The fact is that love triangles, infidelity, and cheating occur to millions every day and millions manage to overcome the emotional trauma of such an event without shooting anyone. It is possible. Other readers’ comments made it appear as though shooting his adversary in love was his only recourse due to the fact he would lose half his property in an inevitable divorce. Really? By this thought process loosing half your CD’s and having to downsize to an apartment is grounds for murder now. Another argument left in sympathy of the shooter was the ‘misandry’ of the courts and that ‘the legal climate does not allow the person to respectfully exit the marriage to a adulterous woman.’ Ummm, Ok? It has been decades since divorce cases have been able to use infidelity as a tool for increased negotiating power in court and I’m guessing its irrelevance in a divorce proceeding has benefitted more than a few men.

Cheating is like treason. We don’t blame George Washington for Benedict Arnold’s treason. Arnold had been a hero of the Revolution who demonstrated great skill and honor. He placed his life on the line in extraordinary measures on more than one occasion and was rewarded with false allegations, demotion, and threats of court martial. Should Arnold be excused for his actions? After all, his treason was prompted by George Washington’s perceived betrayal.

Nobody is exempt from hard-times. In my case, I lost my home, car, and financial stability all while becoming a single parent to an infant. I also had the added bonus of public humiliation by my husband’s affair happening while I was pregnant, with a much younger woman who I had occasionally socialized with. Did I have stress? Yep. Did I lose honor? Sure did. Did I feel anger? Hell yeah. Did I go after my ex or his girlfriend with a gun? Never!

Individuals are responsible for their own actions. All we do control is how we react. Bottom-line: Shitty things happen to good people and life isn’t always fair. The wife’s infidelity was unethical and covetous, for which she is responsible; however, she is not responsible for the actions of her husband. The husband called the other officer to meet and fired the gun…not the wife. By blaming the wife we excuse the husband’s actions and condone his crime. People need to take responsibility for their own actions and demand the accountability of others. One of my daughter’s favorite defense tactics when being reprimanded is, “He/She made me do it.”, a strategy that I dismiss by reminding her that she alone is responsible for her actions. A basic principal most parents teach. If we do not allow our children to place blame on others for their actions, than why do we as adults?